(An unexpected outcome, Medellin – 05/10/2018)
Today, 8500km away and 13 years later, an event from the past has become present. I should be surprised, but considering I am going through a period of spiritual growth and adjustment, it might make perfect sense.
Today, an ex partner who has remained friends since our split back in 2005, has written to me to tell me that he does not want to continue our contact so he can have the clear cut that never occurred at that time. I cannot say I was happy to read his email. Neither relieved, although during the last years I sensed something was not flowing right in our friendship.
(The thing is that) Today perhaps I am ready to process this in the correct manner. Which means that in the past I wasn’t ready. One can be (or think that one is) a decent person. And going through life with best intentions. But that doesn’t prevent you from hurting people. The possibility that, for whatever reason, you might not do well to the others, and in particular someone, no matter how good your intentions are. We are constantly trading at emotional levels. Our interactions with others are emotional transactions which, in normal circumstances, benefit both parties.
Today though, I know that most of us start trading romantically before our emotional skills, solvency and understanding of the process are fully acquired. That is why so many of these transactions ended busted and with someone, if not both parties, hurt in the process.
Yesterday, I would have taken the decision of someone not wanting to remain friends after a split as I direct appreciation of who I am. In other words, my ego would have taken the decision of not continue the contact as an invalidating act and direct reflection of what kind of person I am.
Yesterday, my ego perhaps was seeking for the contact to be maintained just to dissipate the idea I could be unworthy or a bad person. A selfish attitude. Just to wash any self criticism as the civilized friendship afterwards would possibly make me a cool person.
Today, I understand that, at that time, that joint decision might have created some unnecessary pain on the other. That the best thing we can do is to let the other people go and to accept that we can create joy as well as pain. That we need to accept the pain we create as an ultimate act of responsibility. That we do not need to say anything else. That I am sorry. That I know you are not reading these words, but the apology is out there now.
Today, I respect your will and I accept your decision to move on.